I find myself living in the desert, otherwise known as the Phoenix metro area. The fact that I live in the desert is never lost on me, because I always seem to circle back to the idea that humans probably shouldn't live in the desert. 1.5 million of us are congregated in a sprawling metropolis that relies on a river that doesn't actually seem to exist. When it is 50 degrees out people fall into a panic, lighting fireplaces, and wondering when winter will break. The extensive Mormon community in the area laughs at the rest of us, knowing that their extensive food stores can be used to get them through the apocalypse, or a week where the first digit on the thermometer reads four. I get dehydrated here sitting on the couch. That is not an exaggeration, it has happened repeatedly. Trees are like mythic creatures that people speak of in hushed tones, like unicorns or yeti, or an intelligent cast member on a reality tv show. It goes something like this, "oh my god, your street has trees." The house I live in has a backyard.....of rocks, and the wealthy keep up with the Joneses by installing plastic grass on their property (they also seem to spend an inordinate amount of money on really bad plastic surgery. Have any of you ladies looked in the mirror lately? If you did you would realize that there is some progress to be made by doctors in this area) But for all the things here that seem different to me, like the fact that a large swath of the population refuses to acknowledge that we have a half-black president, Phoenix holds it down it many areas. I have come to know some amazing people who have embraced me (not an easy task), and made me feel at home here in the Valley of the Sun.
So what is the food like? It is a mixed bag to tell you the truth. Sort of like your bag after extensive trick-or-treating. You've got Dots, Reese's, Milky Ways, Nerds, and then a bunch of Necco Wafers and Raisins that some asshole got at the dollar store. Don't be the person who hands out Necco Wafers for Halloween. Has anyone ever liked those things? And God forbid you give out apples. If I am lucky enough to be blessed with children some day, I will sit them down and explain that punching people isn't okay, but if someone gives you an apple on Halloween you have my consent to aim straight ahead and fire a right upper-cut. I digress. The point is, Phoenix has a plethora of really bad food, but many gems that I am eager to continue to explore in greater depth. Here are a few food observations straight from the shadow of A-Mountain.
- In-n-Out is located exactly 3 and one half minutes (barring traffic) from my house. I am currently in a committed relationship with this fine establishment. It is fast food that somehow manages to get awfully close to my memories of a good roadside burger stand. #1, no spread, add grilled onions is my weapon of choice. The Double-Double is a thing of beauty. Simple, perfectly proportioned, and delicious. In-n-Out is often the subject of lofty tales of its exalted status. It has also been derided by critics as a perpetually overrated example of the dumbing down of America. To both of these camps I say relax, and perhaps call a therapist because you may be taking yourself entirely too seriously! It is a burger joint. In my humble opinion they make a damn good burger. I like a good burger. The people that work there are really nice. The place is impeccably clean. They have never messed up my order. End of story. I'm going there right now.
- Supermarkets here suck. They are really bad. The produce is terrible, which seems strange considering our proximity to California. Meat selections are sparse. Good canned Italian tomatoes can be tough to find. Ethnic markets are kind of the go to in the valley.
- Can a brother get a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese? I mean really now, am I asking too much? Is it not fair to say that the greatest of all breakfast items should reside in every corner of this great land? Oh how I yearn for a BEC on a hard roll from Famous Deli (located between 108th and 109th on Broadway in NYC), or the Country Cow (Fairfield, CT), or an Italian themed creation from Curtis Park Deli (Denver, CO). I dream of these things, and my life feels incomplete without them. No, I don't really want my bacon, egg, and cheese mashed up inside of a burrito. Oh, I will eat it, I just won't like it.
- One of America's finest pizzerias is located here. Pizzeria Bianco is the real deal my friends, and I will talk more about it at a later date. But by and large, we are talking a land of wonder bread with spaghetti sauce. It pains me.
- Thai and Vietnamese food is surprisingly well represented, and the Mekong Shopping Center is where the action is at. Asian Supermarkets are the Beez Neez! Care for a gigantic container of MSG, they have it. Strange dried fish, they have it. Impeccably fresh produce, they have it. Weird cuts of meat, they have that too. Strange candies with the coolest of graphic packaging, they have that too. I like it there. I'm definitely a Gwai Lo, and they aren't afraid to let me know it, but I feel strangely at ease.
- The crown jewel of Phoenix is the Mexican food. Glory be unto thee! Mole that will warm the soul. Mexican Coke is everywhere and they don't sell it for $5 like they did in New York. Tamales that are packed with flavor, yet ethereal in their lightness. The weird frozen ice treat sold by street vendors. Chorizo, lengua, chicharrons, guacamole, and real tortillas. It is all here, but the treasure at the end of the rainbow reamins the humble taco. In the course of human history God has seen fit to smile down upon a culture and let magic happen. In these moments a perfect food is created and the heavens align. It happened in Italy with pizza. It happened in China with dumplings. It happened in France with the Baguette. And one day, God shone his light down upon the people of Mexico and the taco was born! It is a perfect food, and Phoenix is littered with exceptional examples of the glory that is this culinary wonder of our neighbors to the South. Carnitas, Al Pastor, Pollo Mole, Pescado, Lengua, Carne. I love them dearly. And considering that they average $2 a pop, you can never complain about bang for the buck.
As I further explore the culinary landscape of Phoenix I will report back. There is much to eat, much to cook, and much to learn, and this is where the fun lies. I'm certainly looking forward to it.
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